DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I hope Alan is OK
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.