Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
You Might Also Like
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Clients after you give them your rates
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”