Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

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In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.


So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.


Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.


5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*


I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.


Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny


I swear…I think restaurants with drive thru’s identify the dumbest employee and say “here, you get to wear the headset”