Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller