DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Ferrari squats
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster