DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything