Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You Might Also Like
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
had to share :’)
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.