Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?