Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Not😆🤣
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*