*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
You Might Also Like
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My patience has stretch marks.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.