Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*Seductively hides in the woods
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.