@andylevy

*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*

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@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@jollyrobber

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls