Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Home #decor warning.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
North and South
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy