Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
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79.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Perfect.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.