dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.