of COURSE it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THE WHOLE TIME
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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*runs in place*
*takes a deep breath*
*heads toward buffet*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after