@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

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@KateWhineHall

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

@dog_feelings

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

@JessiCanadian

Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

@KateWhineHall

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

@Kryzazy

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

@MarfSalvador

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after