Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
marvel comics have peaked
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.