I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.
She really caught my Fancy.
Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.