@Ryanfc706
@awkwardenabled
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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@awkwardenabled
@LizHackett
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
@WalkingOutside
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
@muyrando
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
@shutupmikeginn
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
@MiahSaint
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
@shkeeber
1. Find homeless man.
2. Bathe him.
3. Wash & patch up his clothes.
4. Give him a record player.
5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.
@TheTimmyToes
[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]
@WhiskeySoured
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.– watching the Olympics with my wife
@Brampersandon_
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*