Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

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Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?



5: You don’t need to worry about that


Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.


I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.


If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it


The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.


Are these the Americans?
Are these the Americans?
Are these the Americans?

– watching the Olympics with my wife


GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*