@Ryanfc706

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

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@ipalatsky

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@rockymomax

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

@TheHatStore

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

@joejwest

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue