@Ryanfc706

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

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@LeonInNewJersey

I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.

@mrjohndarby

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

@LetMeStart

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

@DurtMcHurtt

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

@Dawn_M_

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

@koalaslament

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

@djdarrellripley

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

@LeBearGirdle

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

@ComedicBust

I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.