@Ryanfc706

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

You Might Also Like

@awkwardenabled

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

@WalkingOutside

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

@muyrando

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

@shutupmikeginn

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@shkeeber

1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.

@WhiskeySoured

Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.

– watching the Olympics with my wife

@Brampersandon_

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*