Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Proctology is located in A55
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Just me?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what