You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
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“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”
Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful…
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
how to be a yogi
1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets
Saint West, the patron of selfies