@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

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@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

@NervousJr

“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”

Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. ūüôĀ

@Darlainky

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

@drankturpentine

how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets