Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
won’t smith
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people