ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
What an awful time to have common sense.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I’m giving up for Lent.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Funny women are smart. Be careful.