Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do