Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
You Might Also Like
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*