Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
it was a valiant fight
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Sorry. Not sorry
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Saturday
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance