“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?