Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
lmfao
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Blew out my flip flop…
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
He died doing what he loved: being alive
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die