@Dani_Feld

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

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@sparticus_af

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

@DonQuickoats

I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing

@Jake_Vig

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@Darlainky

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house