Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!
* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister
Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Cat: What are you doing?
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.