Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?


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[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*


I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding


You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing


New trend:


It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.


Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.


be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character


“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.


I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.



The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house