I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Oh thanks BBC.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Best spoiler warning ever
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.