DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go

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I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.


Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.


[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head


[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”


What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.


using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me


I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.


I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.


Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life


Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?