me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany