@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

You Might Also Like

@slyoung5

Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water

@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

@TheDairylandDon

They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time

@chill_yoopill

*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .

@Divergentmama

Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not

@Death_Buddy

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

@david8hughes

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

@WeissBrandon

Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Mom: y?
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u