Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
What a chick magnet..
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?