Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time
*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .
Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside
CDC: absolutely not
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u