Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

You Might Also Like


Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water


I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.


They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time


*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .


Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not


Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]


[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation


Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Mom: y?
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u