Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.


DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?


Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride


i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.


[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.


I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank


I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?


I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.


Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail