Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You Might Also Like
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.