Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
You Might Also Like
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.