[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.
But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
Me: You’re it!
Me running away: Renewed!