Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.


Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.


After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.


Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.


I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.


Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?


*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!