DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…