@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

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@MotleyTheMutt

Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.

@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@Birdhumms

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

@Donna_McCoy

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

@copymama

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

@fro_vo

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*