DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
You Might Also Like
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.