I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
twitter is a journey
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.