@DrDogMD

DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
PATIENT: no
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!

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@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@Bripping_Talls

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

@HeyZeus666

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And two half-wits don’t make a wit.

@ch000ch

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@T_Bonezzz_

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@retardedwriter

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

@portmanteauface

I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses

@KyleMcDowell86

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…