DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!

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You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.


Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And two half-wits don’t make a wit.


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.


Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.


I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses


[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…