“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”
But does my hair look good?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[calls wife from store]
“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]
“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”
*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑
*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato
*friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”