DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.