@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*

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@nthall350

The iPhone 8 probably won’t even have a phone in it.

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@kelkulus

Fun Christmas Trivia: “Myrrh” is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.

@QwertyJones3

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

@IamEnidColeslaw

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*