@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*

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@KyleMcDowell86

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

@ThugRaccoons

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

@saxbot

9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.

@FU_TangClan

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

@caliluvgirl77

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

@KrazykurtKurt

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

@markedly

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up