The iPhone 8 probably won’t even have a phone in it.
DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*
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My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Fun Christmas Trivia: “Myrrh” is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*
*adds “Historian” to bio*