[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*
You Might Also Like
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up