@FrazzleMyGimp

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

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@Rollinintheseat

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

@cynicanoldicus

On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.

@brettminor

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

@GianDoh

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

@JasonNotEvil

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

@JPLFR80

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

@DaddyJew

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

@carlyken

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

@Mike_Bianchi

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.