DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
You Might Also Like
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator