DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

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On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.


If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.


The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.


Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.



My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler


Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish


Me: I mean, no


I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza


To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.