If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
You Might Also Like
On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.