Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
I don’t see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world’s problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards