Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

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It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.

Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”


4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one


Me: just one






Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*


I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.


If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.


Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.


There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button


Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice


To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.