@LuvPug

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

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@markydoodoo

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

@IronWang

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!

@oakhillbargrill

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@AnUglyNigga

A horror movie with all black people lmao

“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”

“That ain’t my business”

“I feel ya”

*Rolls credits*

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

@HairyJew4Life

Filing taxes is so depressing.

Do you own a home? No.
Have a spouse? Not even close.
Kids? Not that I know of.

Enjoy your refund, loser