Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
19: Help me think of a tweet.
Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
A horror movie with all black people lmao
“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”
“That ain’t my business”
“I feel ya”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
is the Gap going to kill me in two days
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Filing taxes is so depressing.
Do you own a home? No.
Have a spouse? Not even close.
Kids? Not that I know of.
Enjoy your refund, loser