Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
You Might Also Like
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
LMAO.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken