@thedad

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

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@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@titusbb

I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.

@jnellbg

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

@shopkins776

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

@adamgreattweet

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

@pro_worrier_

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

@Parkerlawyer

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

@baronvonbike

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

@hippieswordfish

[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that