@thedad

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

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@sixfootcandy

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.

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@yung_butters

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

@carlyken

My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.

@NewDadNotes

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

@SortaBad

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

@_NTFG_

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.