Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

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MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”


I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.


I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.


You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word


My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready


Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do


Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”


Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”


[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that