Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.