REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.