Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”