Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.