Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal
D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full
M: that sounds like a mean trick
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Him: Wtf is wrong with you?
*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos
Me: I’m just really tired.