Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

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“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:


You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.


I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm


My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.


Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.


In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat


Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95


I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.


(First date)

Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist

Her: So what do you do for fun?

Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????