@BigJDubz

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

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@joshreavis

“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:

@RidiculousSheri

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

@rowdyforsheriff

I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm

@HelenMaryMe

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

@PonyMartini

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

@VodkaThursday

In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat

@BruceForce

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

@SatansTongue

(First date)

Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist

Her: So what do you do for fun?

Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????