People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.