Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”


Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.


If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.


Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.


Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is


Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”


flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.