@ArielDumas
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
@caperbc75
Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes
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@ArielDumas
@Tmoney68
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
@TheIronSherk
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
@dysondoc
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
@psybermonkey
Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her
Husband: what??
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Husband: oh
Dr: that’s where the morgue is
@Sassafrantz
Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]
“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”
@droidbears
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
@titletown__
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
@anerdonfire2
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
@aveuaskew
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.