Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout


Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.


Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.


[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”


Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.


ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?


DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now


*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *