Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.
Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I have to give my cat a bath
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *