Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.