Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.